What happens when you can't get past stage 2?

I'm having a hard time keeping a brave face in the midst of our pain.

People ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, but the tears immediately start welling up and I have to change the subject.

It's not even like a miscarriage - we weren't pregnant at all, but the sense of loss is still there. It was the potential. Am I being silly?

Now, a new year is again ahead of us, and my nutritionist is emailing me to set up an appointment, but I cannot bring myself to answer her.

I cry when I'm alone, because I don't want my husband to worry. But I know he does anyway. He keeps trying to cheer me up, and I love him for it, but it stings.

At the end of the day, its just him and me. And the dogs...

I just feel very empty...and it sucks.

If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you!

No baby.

I knew I was in the 10% success rate group, so I suppose I shouldn't have been as distraught as I was...but I cried for a good half hour Friday morning when my period started.

I took a pregnancy test on Saturday just in case, but it was negative. As I knew it would be.

Dov took me to the movies Friday afternoon. The first preview was for a new Disney documentary called "Babies." Of course.

I felt a little like Bella from New Moon...Dov kept asking me how I was and I wanted him to stop asking because I was fine when I didn't think about it. But I said, "Fine."

And I really am. I am disappointed, don't get me wrong. But I am so blessed by the church I go to, the family that prays for me and my Facebook network that sends prayers and "major MOJO" our way!

Dov & I are a family, whether there are children or not.

This morning at church, our pastor talked about how we have replaced the Hope of Christ with Wishful Thinking, Blind Optimism and Ambitious Goals.

I didn't see who was running the light board, but it felt like they had the spotlight on my chair. I have approached this whole situation with blind optimism and a LOT of wishful thinking.

But my Hope should not be in my husband. It should not be in SRM or in my ability to lose weight (an ambitious goal, to be sure!) or in my nutritionist. My Hope is in Christ, and not my will but His be done!

Which is easy to say...and by His strength, I will walk the road He lays before me!

Waiting for Guffman

Saturday went perfectly. Dov went in at 8:30 and gave his part of the genetic material at SRM's office in Seattle. The lab then "washed" it and weeded out the swimmers with whorler's.

I arrived at 1pm (after a phone call to the answering service because the front doors were locked - I completely overlooked the telephone box between the two doors...) and the bracelet they gave me had both my name and Dov's name on it. Then, they had me verify that the signature on the paperwork that accompanied the material they brought in matched Dov's. (I wanted to ask if they had any Viggo Mortensen lying around, but they were all business, so I refrained...) I felt completely reassured that it wasn't someone elses.

Then, the tech inserted a very thin syringe past my cervix and pushed the plunger. (I wanted to yell, "release the hounds!" but again, they're all business, so I bit my tongue.)

She advised me there was no clinical proof that lying still for 10 minutes has any effect one way or the other. However, if I was the type of person that would kick myself for not doing everything I could have done if I didn't get pregnant, she'd set the timer.

I stayed until the timer dinged.

Now, we wait two weeks and I'll take a pregnancy test. If it's positive, I'll go in for a confirmation appointment, and they'll release me to my regular doctor. If not, we'll start again with the Provera.

There's certainly plenty to do in the meantime, with Christmas just around the river bend. Hopefully, I can keep myself distracted long enough that December 19th arrives quickly.

We'll see!

Storming the Castle!

I go in for my IUI tomorrow at 1pm!

I've started calling it "Storming the Castle" on Facebook, because "Turkey Baster" is just weird. :)

And an Intra-uterine Insemination (IUI) is basically the lab picking the healthiest little soldiers to attack and fertilze and egg, which has some pretty good defenses.

Then we wait.

I'm in the 10% success rate group, so there is a very large possiblity that I'll have to do this again. But that's ok.

Good thing flexible spending renews in a month!

The cost here is about $850 per attempt (including the costs of ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests) which is still less expensive than an InVitro Fertilization (IVF). (If we do attempt an IVF, and it's a boy, we are going to name him Scott E. so we can laugh when he becomes a teenager and says "I wish I wasn't artificially created in a lab!" Poor kid...) We are going to attempt three IUI's before we look to IVF, but the possibility still remains.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We have the procedure tomorrow, and then I'll find out what the next step is. Hopefully, we'll have a tiny little Christmas present!

The Countdown Starts...

It's been awhile since I posted, but it's also been awhile since I've had any news.

After the recovery from the polypectomy, I saw my nutritionist and my MD again. The nutritionist and I decided to keep in touch via email on a weekly basis and we'll go by the scale at SRM to see how I'm doing.

My MD and I caught up toward the end of October and we reviewed my surgery, the recovery process and the plan from now on. I also discovered he is no longer delivering babies, which is a little disappointing. However, he assured me that the specialists he'll refer me to are top of their field and I shouldn't have any problems at all.

If that happens, it will be the first time in this whole process...

I started feeling abnormally tired in the afternoons a couple of weeks ago, so I took a pregnancy test before I started the Provera, just in case. It was negative. (Stupid cold.) So I started the Provera and waited. And waited. And waited.

I really hoped I wasn't pregnant, because the birth defects associated with taking provera when you're pregnant are pretty severe. I was going to wait another five days before I started getting worried.

Turns out there was no need to worry: not pregnant.

This means we are able to try our first round of IUI!

I start the Clomid on Thursday, which should make my ovaries start producing lots of eggs.

My appointment for the first "exploratory" ultrasound to see if I have ovulated will be on December 1st. If I haven't ovulated, I'll have to schedule another ultrasound. (Last time we did this ultrasound, I ovulated on day 19...) When they find a follicle, they'll give me a shot in the hip and then we'll come in the next day to have the procedure.

Romantic, isn't it?

I never thought I'd need clinical intervention, but I'm really glad they're around!

Expectation Management

I went and saw Seattle Reproductive on Friday for my post-op checkup. They took my vitals and gave me the all-clear. At the end of the month, I start on Provera to induce a period. On day 3, I start on Clomid. On day 14, I have an ultra-sound to see if I have a follicle. If so, they'll inject me with HCG(?) and then we'll come in on day 15 and do the IUI. Dov goes in first and gives his half...they'll give it a spin and extract the healthy swimmers. Then I'll go in, and they'll take a small pipette and insert the sperm past the cervix, and close to the fallopian tubes. (95% of sperm does not make it past the cervix.) Then we wait...

The doctor explained that due to my age and other factors, I'm in the 10% pregnancy rate group. Out of 100 women my age, 10% will get pregnant on the first try. The chances increase by 10% with each additional try, so my chance of being pregnant on the next try is 19%. After four tries, the majority of the women in my group would still not be pregnant, so he didn't want me to get too frustrated.

He also explained that the surgery we just did gave me a clean slate to start with. Just removing the polyps does not increase the chances of pregnancy.

We discussed that Dr. Criniti and I had already planned to attempt three IUI's then do a flush of the Fallopian tubes and try another three times. If not successful then, we'll look at other options.

Now is the time for me to focus on exercise and weight loss. Every 10% of my body weight I can shed will give a tremendous boost to our chances to conceive. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...but that's ok. God is in control whether we have a child naturally or not!

Things I didn't sign up for...

I had my surgery on Friday. Hysteroscopic Polypectomy.

We got to the hospital at 6:00am and signed some paperwork. It's a little unnerving to read that one of the side effects of General Anesthesia is waking up during the procedure and failure to come out of it. Still, I signed my permission...

I told the anestheisologist that my last surgical procedure came with a lot of vomiting, so she gave me a medicine that was supposed to curtail the nausea. Then she shot something into my IV that made me wonderfully light-headed...They wheeled me into the operating room and had me get onto the table. She injected something else into my IV and the next thing I knew, a very kind male voice was telling me to wake up.

As soon as I was coherent enough to tell him I had to pee, they wheeled me into another room to continue waking up. They gave me toast and popsicles and after a half hour of trying to keep it all down, I threw up anyway. The nurse decided I'd gotten my color back and could go home.

I slept all afternoon.

Fortunately, Jen had made us her famous Brown Sugar Chili, which was fantastic. I called my parents and let them know I was okay.

I slept most of Saturday, and just happened to pick up my cell phone when my friend Gail stopped by with dinner and a cake-wreck. We had planned to go to the book signing, but I couldn't make it.

Sunday, I went to church, which was great, but tiring. I started a period since I'd been off the pill for two days.

I went to work this morning, and was fine until about 1:30, when I had a lot of pain and some clotting. I called the clinic and they informed me they'd had some difficulty during the procedure and that a bit of pain and clotting was to be expected.

Fantastic.

The "best" part is that due to the surgery, only pads for the next two weeks. Hopefully it won't be two weeks...I shudder at the thought.

I took some vicodin when I got home and slept this afternoon and am heading to bed soon. I'll see how I feel in the morning, and may work from home tomorrow.

The Advantages of PCOS

When I think of all the money we've wasted on The Pill and other forms of birth control...

Before I go have this surgery at the end of the month, my doctor wants me to take the Pill to "calm things down a bit." I don't know what "things" are being calmed down, because being on the Pill makes me crazy - I'm irritable, want to sleep all the time, frequent headaches...I'm becoming Bruce Banner!



The sooner we get off the pill, the better.

Oh, and as far as I know, that's the only advantage of PCOS...

Babies

I'm having one of those summers. You know the kind...the one where all of your friends are getting engaged or married, and you aren't even dating? Awesome...

Well, now all our friends are having babies.

The difference, now, is that I'm excited for them, without any pity party for myself.

Why is this time different?

There are a number of reasons, but I have to credit a friend of mine, Jen, who's daughter battled leukemia at the age of three. Someone complained about dealing with their son's chronic sinus infections and how frustrated they were. Of course, they felt bad for complaining with Jen in the room, but she smiled and said that the leukemia was her family's story. We cannot compare stories because every story is different.

What a blessing perspective is!

One by one our friends would announce their pregnancies and I'd (probably imagine I would) see the slightly guilty looks briefly flicked in my direction. There would be a slight twinge, but then I would remember Jen's words. That's their story. Ours is different. And that's OK.

I was at a baby shower for a friend, Amy, who has won her battle with infertility. After ten years and four mid-term miscarriages, she finally carried a baby to 37 weeks. Her name is Elizabeth, and she is adorable. Amy and I caught up for a little bit during the party, and she and I discussed the realities of PCOS and infertility. The bitter humor and the harsh realities...

We lamented the struggle and rejoiced at the new little life she has finally brought into the world. She asked me if I wanted to hold the baby or if it was too hard.

I had to laugh.

I remember when my cousin and his wife had their first son two years ago, I held the newborn at the hospital. I had the amused thought that they must be watching to make sure I didn't tuck him under my arm like a football and bolt out the door!

And for the record, I held the baby. And I had no problem handing her back. Of course, she had just spit up down my shirt and filled her diaper simultaneously...

Congratulations! It's a polyp!

At one of my last appoinments with the fertility specialist, they took a small, flexible tube and scraped the inside of my uterus. They were looking for a specific type of pre-cancer cell, which can be common in women with PCOS. They didn't find it, which was good news. The bad news, however, is that they found tissue that they thought might be a polyp.

On Friday of last week, she took a small camera and looked inside my uterus to see #1 if there were polyps and #2, how many. Well, they were there and they brought their friends...it reminded me of this movie about an arsonist who used balloons filled with gasoline that they hung from the ceiling...maybe you had to be there.

I have surgery scheduled on September 25th to have them removed.

I've done a little research on the web, and according to the Mayo Clinic website, the symptoms are excessively heavy periods, irregular periods (both in length of time between them, but also in volume of fluid), bleeding between periods, and post-menopausal bleeding. I'm not quite at the post-menopausal stage yet, but it's nice to know it could be looming on the horizon. One more reason for voluntary hysterectomy!

There is no direct link with infertility, however studies have shown that women who have an IUI after having polyps removed increase the chances of pregnancy from 28% to 63%. We'll take any help we can get!

So the action plan now is:

• Surgery on September 25th
• Follow up appointment with doctor on October 25th to make sure everything's okay.
• IUI some time in November or December.
• Baby in August or September?

Quinoa

I love my nutritionist. Every time I leave her office, I feel energized and ready for a month of healthy eating and activity.

For months now, she has been singing the praises of Quinoa. It is high in protein and fiber, and apparently makes a fantastic breakfast cereal. Tonight, I cooked a Quinoa Tabouleh for my community group dinner tomorrow night. It was fast and easy to cook, and the little bite I took was excellent. I will definitely be trying it again.

I have an appointment on Friday to scope uterine polyps, which I'm told are completely normal, but they want to see how many I may have. I took a half day vacation, since I don't know how painful this will be. They didn't say the scraping would be painful, and after I got there, they told me they sometimes prescribe valium. This time, they told me to take some Advil before I go...

How did I get here?

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married in September of 2005.

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a condition that means my body does not read the hormones my glands create. Most women with this condition have a diabetic parent, are overweight or struggle with weight issues, and have irregular, heavy periods. Check, Check and Check!

PCOS is treated with diabetes medication, and Clomid, which makes your body mass produce eggs. (It's what Kate Gosselin was on when she had the sextuplets.) On Clomid there is a higher than normal chance of having twins. Since my mother was a twin, this was true for me anyway!

We are now in year four of our attempts to conceive, and here's what's happened so far:

• I am seeing a nutritionist and being treated by Seattle Reproductive Medicine.
• I am on Metformin two times a day, an OTC Pre-Natal Vitamin, and 3000 IU's of Vitamin D. This means my blood-sugar is normalizing, my hair and nails are super strong, and I live in Seattle! (Vitamin D can be obtained by exposure to sunlight...lack of Vitamin D is linked to depression...)
• We have a standing prescription for Clomid and Provera: Provera to jump start the cycle and Clomid to produce the eggs.

We are planning in the near future to:

• See the doctor again for polyps found in my uterus during an examination for uterine cancer.
• Attempt an Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI), which will insert sperm further into my uterus than it will go naturally.
• If no luck after three IUI's, we will have a procedure done to clear out the Fallopian Tubes.

We are planning in the far off future to:

• Try IVF
• Adopt

This has been an emotional roller coaster for my husband and I, and our extended families. I hope that by sharing this experience, other women with PCOS will see that we are not alone.